The fourth love language: acts of service

Before we leave Jim and Janice, let us analyze Jim’s answer to my question again: “Do you feel that Janice loves you?” . "Oh, I've always felt that she loves me, Dr. Chapman. She's the best housekeeper in the world. She's a great cook. She washes my clothes, does my ironing, and is great at taking care of the kids. I know she loves me." It was the language of love. For Jim, what he called “acts of service.” I mean by acts of service, doing the things that you know your partner in life wants you to do for him, and you want to make him feel happy by doing these things for him, and expressing your love for him by doing These things are for him. These things are like: cooking, setting the table, washing the dishes, cleaning the house, using the bathroom, taking the hair out of the drain, removing the white dots on the woman, removing insects from the glass windows, taking out the trash, changing the children’s diapers, and painting. Bedroom, dusting the bookcase, keeping the car in good condition, washing or cleaning the car, cleaning the parking lot, mowing the lawn, trimming the trees, raking leaves from the trees, cleaning the dust from the curtains, walking the dog Change the cat's litter box, and change the water in the aquarium. All of these things are works of service, and they require thought, planning, time, effort, and energy, and if they are accomplished in a positive spirit, they are a true expression of love. The effect of “service works” was discovered in a small village called “Chena Grove,” located in central North Carolina. Which originated mainly on Chinese mulberry trees, and is not far from Andy Griffith's legendary city, "My Berry," and an hour away from "Mont Pilot." At the time of this story, the main activity in the city of "China Grove" was weaving. It was inhabited by one thousand five hundred people, and I had not gone there for more than ten years when I was studying anthropology (the science of human evolution), psychology and theology, and I used to make semi-annual visits; To stay connected to my roots. Most of the people I knew worked in the mill except Dr. Shen and Dr. Smith. Dr. Shen was a human doctor, Dr. Smith was a dentist, and of course there was a clergyman named Black. Byrne, he was the caretaker of the house of worship, and the lives of most husbands and wives in Sheena Grove centered around going to work and to the house of worship. The workers in the mill were all talking about the foreman’s latest decisions, and how this would specifically affect their work. The services of the house were Worship is centered primarily around the pleasures awaiting in the afterlife, and in that primitive American environment, I discovered the fourth language of love. While I was standing under a Chinese mulberry tree after returning from the house of worship on Sunday, both “Mark” and “Mary” approached me. I did not know them, so I guessed that they had grown old during the period in which I was away from town, and after he introduced himself, “Mark” said to me: “I know that you studied the art of counseling.” I smiled and said to him: “Okay, a little.” And he said to me: “ I have a question: Can a married couple have an intimate relationship when they are different in everything? This was one of the theoretical questions that I knew had a personal origin, so I overlooked the theoretical nature of the question and asked him a personal question: “How long have you been married?” He answered me. He said: “For two years, we have not agreed on anything.” So I said to him: “Give me some examples.” "Well, first of all, Mary doesn't like me to go hunting. I work all week at the mill, and I like to go hunting on Saturdays. I don't go every Saturday, but that only happens when the hunting season comes." Mary was silent until That moment, but she interrupted him, saying: “When the hunting season ends, he goes fishing, and besides that, he does not go fishing only on Saturdays, but he also takes time off from work to go fishing.” “I take two or three days off from work once or twice a year. I go hunting in the mountains with some friends, and I don’t think there is any harm in that.” I asked him: “What other things do you disagree about?” “Well, she wants me to go to the house of worship constantly, and I don’t mind going on Sunday morning, but I want to rest on Sunday night, and if she wants to go then she can go, but I don’t think I should.” Mary interrupted him from New: “You really don't want me to go either. You get angry every time I leave the house.” I know that things should not have reached this intensity, as we were standing under a shady tree in front of the house of worship; Since I was still young and an aspiring consultant, I had a feeling of fear that the situation would turn against me, but I had been trained to ask questions and enjoy answering them; That is why I continued my questions: “What other things do you disagree about?” And this time, “Mary” answered: “He wants me to stay at home all day and do household chores, and he gets angry if I go to see my mother, or go out shopping or to do anything.” Another replied, saying, “I don’t mind her going to see her mother, but I like to find the house clean when I come back. Some weeks, she leaves the bed unmade for more than three or four days, and many times I come back from work and she hasn’t even started preparing lunch.” My work is hard, and I like to eat as soon as I get home, and on top of that, the house is a mess; the baby's things are thrown on the floor, and the baby is not clean, and I don't like filth, but she seems to be happy when she lives in a very dirty place, We don't have a lot of money, and we live in a small mill store, but at least it can be clean. Mary asked: "What's the harm in him helping me with the housework? He acts as if the husband shouldn't do anything in the house, and all... What he wants to do is go to work and go fishing, and he expects me to do everything, and he even expects me to wash the car as well.” And here I thought that it was better to look for solutions instead of looking for more disputes; That's why I looked at Mark and asked him: "Did you go fishing every Saturday when you were engaged, before you got married?" He said to me: “Most Saturdays, I always returned home at the appointed time, so that I could go see her on Saturday night, and most of the time I would return home well before the appointment, so that I could wash the truck before I went to see her. I did not like To go see her in a dirty truck. So I asked Mary, “How old were you when you got married?” She said, “I was eighteen. We got married right after I graduated from high school. Mark had graduated one year before me, and he was working at the time.” I asked her, “During your last year in high school, how many times did he come over?” Mark "to see you?" She said: “He would come almost every night. In fact, he would come in the afternoon, and he would often stay until he had dinner with me and the family, and he would help me with the housework, and then we would sit and chat until it was time for dinner.” So she asked “Mark.” “What were you doing after dinner?” He looked up, with a shy smile on his face, and said: “Well, we were doing the things that people do during an engagement period, you know that.” “Mary” said: “But at the time he was asking... He helped me with a school project, and sometimes we would spend hours working on the project. I was in charge of the New Year’s party in my final year, and he would help me in the afternoon for three weeks, and that was wonderful. So I changed the topic and focused on the third difference between them. And I said to Mark: “Did you go to the house of worship with Mary on Saturday night, during the engagement period?” He said: “Yes, when I did not go with her to the house of worship, I could not see her; her father was strict.” In this regard.” Mary said: “He never complained about it, and he seemed to enjoy it. He even helped us prepare the New Year’s Eid program. After we finished preparing the school party, we began the Eid program for the house of worship, and we spent "For about two weeks we've been working together on this program. He's really talented when it comes to drawing and designing scenery. "I thought I was starting to see some hope, but I wasn't sure that Mark and Mary saw it as much as I did; So I turned to Mary and asked her, “When you were dating Mark, what made you convinced that he actually loved you? And what made him different from the other people you were dating?” She said, “It’s because he helped me with everything. He was eager to help me, but as for the other people, none of them seemed interested in those things, and it seemed normal for Mark. He would even help me wash the dishes when he had dinner at our house. He was the most wonderful person I had ever met, but after... Our marriage changed all that, and he no longer helped me at all. Then she turned to Mark and asked him: “Why, in your opinion, did you do all these things with her and for her before you got married?” He said: “It seemed natural to me. This is what I would want someone to do for me if he cared about me.” So I asked him: “Why, in your opinion, did you stop doing those things after you got married?” . “Well, I think I expected us to be like my family, where my father works and my mother takes care of the household, so I did not see my father sweeping the floor, washing dishes, or doing anything at home at all, while my mother did nothing outside the house, and she was She puts everything in place, does all the cooking, washing, and ironing, so I thought it should be that way.” Hoping that Mark had understood what I had understood, I asked him, “What was Mary saying a minute ago?” When I asked her: What made her feel that you loved her when you were engaged? He answered me, saying: “Helping her with some things, and doing some things with her.” I said to him: “So, can you understand how she feels unloved when you stop helping her with what she does?” He was bobbing his head up and down, and I said to him: “It was natural for you to follow the example set by your parents in marriage, and most of us tend to do that, but your behavior towards Mary changed radically from during the engagement period; he disappeared.” The thing was that he assured her that you loved her. Then I turned to Mary and said to her: “What did Mark say when I asked him, ‘Why did you do all these things to help Mary when you were engaged?’” She replied, "He said he was doing this spontaneously." I said to her, "That's true. He also said that this is what he would want someone to do to him if he really loved him. So he was doing those things to you and with you, because he saw that This is how any person shows another person that he loves him, and once you got married and lived together in your own home, he had some expectations about what you would do if you really loved him, and that was to keep the house clean, cook, etc., that is, in short, you would do some things to express to him that you... During which he expressed his love for you, and when he found that you did not do those things, did you understand why he felt that you did not love him? Mary was also shaking her head, and I continued: “I think the reason you are miserable in your married life is that neither of you shows your love for the other by doing things for him.” Mary said: You are right; The reason I stopped doing things for him was because I got angry with his pushy spirit; It was as if he was trying to make me just like his mother. I said to her: “I think you are right about this?” No person likes to be forced to do something. In fact, there must be freedom in giving love. Love cannot be by command. We can ask for things from the other party, but we should not command him to do anything. A request directs love, but a command stops the flow of love.” Mark interrupted me, saying, “I think she is right, Dr. Chapman. I was pushy and critical of her; Because I felt that she let me down as a wife, I know that I said some harsh words, and I understand how angry she was with me.” So I said to them: “I think the situation can change easily now,” and I took two cards out of my pocket, and said to them: “Let’s try something. I want everyone to do that.” One of you should sit on the steps of the house of worship and write a list of your requests. I want you, Mark, to write a list of three or four things. If Mary does them, she will feel when she comes home in the afternoon that she loves you. If making the bed is important to you, you can You write that on the list, and I want you, Mary, to write a list of three or four things that you want Mark to help you do, and if Mark does them, that will help you know that he loves you (I insist on lists, because It forces us to think in a correct way. After five or six minutes, they gave me the two lists, and Mark’s list was as follows:

• Making the beds daily.
• Washing the child’s face when I return home.< /li>
• She puts her shoes in the shoe rack before I get home.
• Trying to start making dinner before I get home; So that we could eat it within 30 to 40 minutes of my arrival home.

I read the menu out loud, and said to “Mark”: “Do I understand by this that you mean that if Mary chooses to do so?” “You will consider these four things to be actions that express her love for you.” He said, “That’s true. If I do these four things, this will significantly change my behavior toward her.” After that, I read Mary’s list:

• I hope To wash the car every week instead of waiting for me to wash it.
• I hope he changes the baby’s diaper when he comes home in the afternoon, especially if I am cooking dinner.
• I hope he sweeps Home once a week for me.
• I hope he will mow the weeds once a week in the summer, and not let the weeds grow to the point that I feel ashamed of the view of our garden.

So I said to her: “Do you I understand, Mary, that you mean that if Mark chose to do these four things, you would consider this a true expression of his love for you. She said: “That's true, it would be wonderful if he did those things for me.” “Does this list make sense to you, Mark? And can you do these things?” He said: “Yes, I can do it.” “And you, Mary, does Mark’s list seem reasonable and doable to you? Could you do these things if you chose to?” She said: “Yes, I can do those things. I used to feel oppressed, in the past, because everything I was doing was not enough for him.” So I said to “Mark”: “You have to understand that what I am proposing is completely different from the marriage model.” Your parents' and he said: 'Oh, my father used to mow the lawn and wash the car.' "But he wasn't changing diapers, or sweeping the house, was he?" He said: “Yes.” “You don't have to do these things, do you understand that? But if you do, it will be an expression of your love for Mary.” And I said to Mary: “You should know that you don't have to do these things, but if you want to express it to Mark... “About your love, these four things will mean a lot to him. I suggest that you try doing these things for two months, and see if they work. After the two months are over, you may want to add other requests to your lists and share them together. However, if I were you, I would not add.” More than one request a month.” Mary said, “This will definitely make a difference. I think you have already helped her.” They took each other’s hands and walked toward the car. I said to myself out loud, “I think this is what the effect of a house of worship is.” “I think I would enjoy being a consultant,” and “I have never forgotten the wisdom I gained under the Chinese mulberry tree.” After years of research, I have come to realize the unique model that Mark and Mary provided for me. “I rarely meet a couple with the same love language, and for “ Mark and Mary, “service work” was their love language, and hundreds of individuals could understand the position of both “Mark” and “Mary,” if they put themselves in the shoes of one of them, and acknowledged that the basic way in which they feel that they They are loved for acts of service by their partner in life. Things such as: putting shoes in their places, changing the baby’s diaper, washing the dishes, the car, sweeping, or mowing the lawn have a great impact for those whose primary language of love is acts of service. You may wonder: If Mark and Mary spoke the same basic love language, why did they go through such difficult suffering? The answer lies in the fact that they spoke in two different dialects, and they did some things for each other, but they were not the most important things, and when they were forced As long as they thought correctly, they easily knew the correct accents, and for “Mary” it meant washing the car, changing the baby’s diaper, sweeping the house, and mowing the grass, while for “Mark” it meant making the bed, washing the child’s face, and putting on the shoes. In the cupboard, and starting to prepare dinner before he returned from work, and when he started speaking in the right accents, their love tanks began to fill; Since service work is the primary language of love for both of them, learning their respective dialect was fairly easy for them. Before we leave “Mark” and “Mary,” I want to state three facts. The first is: They showed very clearly that what each of us does For the other, before marriage, no indication is given of what we will do after marriage; Before marriage, we fly far; As a result of the illusion of falling in love taking over us, but after marriage we wake up from this illusion and return to how we were before we “fall in love.” Our actions are affected by the model of marital life that we saw in the lives of our fathers and mothers. They are also affected by our personality and our concept of love and are also affected by our feelings and needs. And our desires, and there is one certain truth regarding our behavior, which is that it will not be the same behavior that we showed when we were in the stage of “falling in love.” This leads us to the second truth that “Mark” and “Mary” showed us, which is that love is a choice and cannot be imposed on us. Anyone, Mark and Mary were criticizing each other, but they did not achieve any progress, but once they decided to use the language of requests instead of commands, their married life began to change for the better. The language of criticisms and orders causes division and separation, and with a little Criticism. Perhaps you can attract your partner’s attention in life, and he may do what you want from him, but most likely he will not do it as an expression of love. You can direct love through your request, such as saying, for example: “I hope you wash the car, or change the baby’s diaper.” Or to mow the grass, but you will not be able to create the will to love, and each of us must decide on a daily basis to love our partner in life or to love him. If we choose to love him, then expressing love in the way our partner in life requests will make our love effective to the maximum extent. Emotionally. There is a third truth, which only adult lovers can comprehend, which is that the criticism that my partner directs at me in life gives me a clear idea of his basic love language; Because people often criticize their partners in life strongly regarding things for which they feel a strong emotional need. Criticism is an ineffective way of showing the need for love. If we understand that, perhaps it will help us deal with their criticism of us in a more effective way. A wife can say to her husband after To criticize her: “It seems that this matter is very important to you. Can you explain to me why it is so important?” Criticism often needs clarification, and by starting such a dialogue, criticism may eventually turn into a mere request instead of an order. Mary’s continued condemnation of Mark’s going out hunting was not an expression of her dislike of the sport of hunting, but rather she was complaining. From hunting, because it was the thing that prevented him from washing the car, sweeping the house, and mowing the grass, and when she learned that he would satisfy her desire for love by speaking her emotional language of love, she had the opportunity to support him when he went out hunting. The doormat or the lover?< /b>I served him for twenty years, and I used to ensure his comfort with all my being. I was a doormat for him, but he ignored me, mistreated me, and despised me in front of my friends and family members. I do not hate him and do not wish for anything bad to happen to him, but I am angry with him, and I no longer I want to live with him.” This wife had been performing service work for more than twenty years, but these jobs were not an expression of love. Rather, she was doing them out of fear, guilt, and anger. A man’s mop is an inanimate object. You can wipe your feet with it, or You run over her with your feet, or kick her away, or do with her whatever you want. She has no will in herself, and she can be your servant, but you will not love her one day. When we treat our wives like inanimate objects, we eliminate the possibility of love. Exploiting the other party through Making him feel guilty (such as a husband saying to his wife: “If you were a good wife, you would have done this for me”) is not a language of love, and coercing him by scaring him (“Either you do that or I will regret it”) is something that has nothing to do with love. Someone should not be a doormat. Someone can take advantage of us, but in fact we are creatures with desires, thoughts and feelings. We have the ability to make decisions and do things. If someone allows another person to take advantage of him or manipulate him, this is not an act of love, but rather an act of love. From the work of treason; Thus, you allow the other party to have animal desires, but the logic of love says: “If I love you so much that I allow you to treat me in this way, this will not benefit you and it will not benefit me either.” Eliminating stereotypingLearning the language of service business requires some of us to reconsider the stereotypical methods in the roles of husband and wife. Mark was doing what most of us do spontaneously, and he was following the role distribution model. Which he saw in his parents, but he did not follow it well either; His father used to wash the car and mow the grass, but Mark did not do those things, but this was the mental image he had of what a husband should look like. He certainly did not imagine himself sweeping the house and changing the diaper for the child, but what he thought was that he He was able to break out of this frame when he realized how important this was to Mary, and this is essential for all of us if our partner's primary love language requires something of us that does not seem compatible with our role. Given the social changes that have occurred over the past thirty years, There is no longer a general template for the role of men or women in American society, but this does not mean that all stereotypes have disappeared, rather it means that they have doubled; Before the discovery of television, a person’s idea of what a husband or wife should do or how they should deal with each other was primarily influenced by the person’s parents, but with the spread of television and families that depend on one parent, role models were influenced by forces outside the home, so whatever your concept of life is. Marital, your life partner will have a somewhat different perception than yours, and the desire to reconsider those stereotypes is essential; So that one can express love in a more efficient way, remember that there is no return from adhering to these stereotypes, but there are many benefits from meeting the emotional needs of your partner in life. One wife recently said to me: “I want to send all my female friends to your lecture, my dear.” Dr. Chapman. I asked her: “Why do you want this?” She said: “Because it has radically changed my marital life. Before we attended the lecture, Bob was not helping me with anything. We both started our professional lives immediately after graduating from college, but I had to do everything at home, and it seems that It never occurred to him to help me one day, but after the seminar, he started asking me, “What can I help you do this evening?” It was wonderful, and at first, I didn’t believe it was real, but it’s been going on for three years now. I should. I must admit that there were times of trying and humor in the first weeks, because he did not know how to do anything; the first time he did laundry, he used insoluble bleach instead of regular detergents, and after washing the blue towels were filled with small white dots, Then he tried for the first time to use the garbage disposal machine in the drain. There was something strange, and shortly after that, bubbles of soap began coming out of the nearby drain hole. He did not know what was going on until I stopped the machine, reached inside it and extracted the remains of a new bar of soap. She was a quarter of her size, but he loved me in my language, and my love tank was full. He has now learned how to do everything at home, and he always helps me, and we spend more time together. Because I no longer have to work all the time, believe me, I have learned his love language, and I have filled his love tank. Is it really that simple? Is it simple? The answer is yes, and is it easy? The answer is no. Bob had to He works hard to break the stereotype that he has lived in for thirty-five years, and it was not easy, but he can tell you that learning the basic love language of your life partner and choosing to speak it makes a huge difference in the emotional atmosphere of married life. Now, let’s get to the language. Fifth love. If your partner’s primary love language in life is acts of service: 1. Write a list of all the requests that your wife has asked of you over the past few weeks, and each week choose one request from among them to do as an expression of love. 2. Cut some cards in the shape of hearts. Write on it the following words: “Today I will express my love for her by...” Complete the sentence with one of the following: mowing the lawn, sweeping the house, washing the dishes, walking the dog, cleaning the fish tank, etc. Give your partner a Life is a card expressing love accompanied by some service work every three days for a month. 3. Ask your life partner to write a list of ten things he wants you to do during the next month, and also ask him to arrange them, in a gradation of the most important to the most important, by numbering these requests. From 1 to 10; Let the most important request take first place, and the tenth request be the least important. Use this list to develop a strategic plan for a month of love (and prepare yourself to live a happy life with your life partner). 4. When your life partner is outside the home, enlist the help of the children in doing some work. Service for him, and when he approaches the door of the house, join with the children and shout loudly, "Surprise, we love you!" Then participate with him in service work. 5. What service work does your life partner constantly complain that you do not do? Why don’t you decide to put an end to this complaint? When your life partner complains about something, it is of real importance to him, and if you decide Doing this as an expression of love would be better than giving him a thousand roses. 6. If your life partner’s request comes in the form of a grumble or a complaint, try to write it in a less insulting form, then participate with him in reviewing what you have written. For example, you could write, “Darling, I love you so much, and I know you work so hard at your job. I really appreciate it, and I want to thank you first for cutting the lawn this week before Tuesday when Mary and I come over.” Bob “to have dinner with us.” His response might be, “Where’s the lawnmower? I can’t wait.” Try that and you’ll see. 7. Do some important service work like washing the car, cooking a meal, painting the bedroom, or mopping the floor. The house, and then send your life partner a sign that says “To (your life partner’s name), with your name signed on it. 8. If you have money at some point, hire someone to do the service work that you know your life partner would like to do.” You do it for him, such as: mowing the grass, cleaning the house, washing the car, or washing the clothes. If you take responsibility for doing these things, it will express your love, even when you are far from home. 9. Ask your life partner to tell you about the daily service activities that he does. Expressing your love to him actually could include things like: putting unclean clothes in the basket, cleaning the hair stuck in the drain, hanging your clothes on the hanger at night, closing the door when you leave the house, preparing a meal, or doing the laundry. Dishes, try to do these things according to a schedule, as “few things” actually carry many meanings. 10. Ask your partner in life from time to time: “If I could do one service task for you this week, what would you ask for?” If this is possible, do it and watch your life partner's love tank fill up. From the book The Five Love Languages